Rules for Future Pirate Engagements

The picture above says it all. The Seafair Pirate's Landing was weak weak weak. Not one aspect of it went the way it should have. What could have been great turned out to be a great disappointment. Here are some rules for future pirate engagements:

1) Pirates don't need escorts from the U.S. military. Rather than renting a big pirate-y ship from Rent-a-ship, the pirates arrived on military boats. They looked like they were storming Normandy.
2) Pirates storm, they don't saunter. Upon landing, the pirates didn't run (as advertised in their TV spot). Rather, they walked, shaking hands, kissing babies and making their way to a booth for photos.
3) Pirates don't give out stickers. Stickers!? OK, it's a family event, need to do something for the kids. I'm not against that entirely, but smiling pirates giving away stickers. It just seemed so neutered.
4) Pirates don't hug. Same with the above. If they're going to pose for a photo, they should at least have a sword to your throat. Seriously, pirates don't want to be your friend, and kids should be able to deal with that (Yes, some kids will get scared. There's nothing wrong with that. Clowns are terrifying, but they keep showing up at the circus.).

Perhaps when there are little spanning_timers to deal with our attitude will change, but it just seems like yesterday's family fun was all family, while the fun was left out in Davy Jones' locker.